Tales From The Insane Asylum
by Arctic Banana
Summary: To celebrate Halloween, everyone's favorite Transformers gather around to tell "scary" stories. Story 1: Wheeljack creates a device that has the power to turn food into a living, breathing monster.


I had these stories written back in August and was just dying to get them up come Halloween time. This will be updated gradually rather than all at once to make it more fun.

How this works is a different Transformer will tell a "scary" story that parodies something each time.

I wrote this particular story while I was eating a bowl of chili. I remember thinking, "What am I going to make the monster out of?" and then looking down upon my chili and thinking, "Ah!"

**Storyteller: **Fallout (my OC)

**This story parodies:** Thriller movies

**Look out for references to: **Silent Hill 3, I Know What You Did Last Summer, Tick Tock by Dean Koontz, The Shining, Star Wars, Nightmare on Elm Street, Batman, Resident Evil 3

* * *

"GATHER 'ROUND, SPARKLINGS!!" Fallout screamed in the crowded rec room. Everyone grew quiet and looked at him. "I have a story to tell!" They all gathered around him on the floor, curious of what he had to say.

"I have a feeling this is going to be epic," Sideswipe whispered to Bumblebee. Bumblebee nodded.

"First, I need a volunteer…" Fallout continued.

"What for?" Sunstreaker asked.

"You'll see…"

"Well in that case, Bluestreak volunteers!" Sunstreaker pushed Bluestreak forward.

"What?! No! But I don't want to…" Bluestreak protested. "Wait, what am I volunteering for?"

"Jazz is hogging all the throw pillows. I needed a place to set," Fallout replied, plopping his rear down on Bluestreak. Bluestreak struggled and squirmed underneath him. "Okay, now where was I…oh, yeah! Once upon a time…"

* * *

**"Chili con Carnage"**

It was a dark and stormy night… Rain poured down from the heavens and thunder clapped to cheer on its lightening brother. Wheeljack was in the process of showing Ratchet his newest invention.

"So, what is this thing?" Ratchet asked.

"It's my latest invention!" Wheeljack replied. "4 months went into making this! It's got a solid titanium outer shell, top-notch wiring, and blinky lights!"

"So what does it do?"

"Oh, hell if I know," he shrugged. "But the buttons are so flashy and shiny! Care to find out with me?"

"Wait- you mean you're actually going to turn that thing on?!" Ratchet jumped back.

"Well, yeah…"

"Give me a second to get behind the blast radius," Ratchet replied, quickly running behind the fireproof glass.

"Oh, you're such a baby!" Wheeljack snapped at him. He reached out and pushed the shiny red button…and nothing. "That's it?! No boom?! What the hell does it do then?!" He pushed the button several more times.

* * *

"Honey, why is the garage door opening and closing for no reason?" a random Earth woman asked.

"I don't know, dear. I'll have a look at it later," her husband replied.

* * *

Ratchet walked out from behind the blast shield. "Better luck next time, Wheeljack."

"Ohhh, but I was hoping it would do something awesome!" he whined. He heard his internal watch beep. "Ooh! It's lunch time!" He pulled a bowl of energon chili out of subspace and began to devour it.

"Wheeljack, I thought I told you that it was a health hazard to eat in a laboratory environment!" Ratchet scolded.

"Ratchet, you say that everything I do is a health hazard. Just last week, you told me that it was a health hazard to taste the chemicals before I used them!" Wheeljack countered. "Come on, what's the worst that could happen? Oh, shit…" He accidentally spilled some of his chili on the thing he'd made. "Ah, well."

"Will you please just eat at the kitchen table for once?" Ratchet begged.

"Fine," Wheeljack finally caved and followed him out of the lab.

Unknown to either of them, Wheeljack's latest invention was leaking a powerful radiation into the spilt chili…

* * *

"So then I told him that I was allergic to stupidity and was having a particularly strong reaction to him. Eventually he got my hint and left us alone," Ironhide said.

"Oh, really? So that's why he seemed so pissed off at you," Jazz replied.

"Hey guys! Whatcha talking about?" Wheeljack asked, sitting at the table with them to eat his food.

"Smokescreen," Ironhide replied. "Ooh, is that chili?!" He snatched Wheeljack's food and started eating it.

"My chili…" Wheeljack said in a sad voice.

"Dude…why are you eating the poor guy's food?" Jazz asked.

"Oh, my bad… Do you want some, Wheeljack?"

Wheeljack sighed. "No, that's okay. I've got more in the fridge in my lab."

"You've got a fridge in your lab? Isn't storing food in a laboratory environment a health hazard?" Jazz asked.

"What is it with you people and health hazards?" Wheeljack growled, getting up to retrieve more food.

* * *

Wheeljack flipped the light switch, but the power in his lab was out. "Hmm… That's strange…" He leaned out into the hall and called, "GRIMLOCK!! Have you been chewing on wires in my lab again?!"

"Me not do nothing," Grimlock called back.

"Are you sure?!"

"Me sure."

He turned on his headlights. "Hmm… Strange. I shall have to check the wiring to the lights later." He never realized it before, but his lab looked kind of scary in the dark… He shone his light over various chemical bottles and devices on the tables and stopped when he noticed one of the bottles was smashed. "What the slag?" It wasn't like that before- was it? He was usually pretty good about cleaning up spilt chemicals and broken glass. It was odd for him to leave anything in that state.

He turned around when he heard something scurry along the ground, but his lights caught nothing. _Probably just a rat or something, _he tried to reassure himself. He heard whatever it was scurry to his left and looked in that direction. He suddenly got the impression that he was being watched. "Hello? Is someone there?" Wheeljack called into the darkness. No response.

Wheeljack shook his head. There was nothing there. He was just being paranoid. He heard glass smash and turned around. He briefly caught a glimpse of something in his flashlight. It didn't look like a rat… He felt something drip down onto his shoulder and looked up. What he saw made him scream…

* * *

"Woah, what was that?" Sunstreaker asked.

"It sounded like Wheeljack screamed…" Prowl replied. He started off towards Wheeljack's lab to check it out. All the lights in the base cut out completely. "What the hell?"

_:Prowl, this is Prime, are you there?: _Optimus said through his comlink a few moments later.

"Yeah, Prime. I'm here. What's going on?"

:All the power in the base has been cut. Everything's out. Red Alert's having a field day because he can't see anything over the security monitors.:

"Do you think it could be the Decepticons?" he asked.

:Maybe… But we can't rule out the storm as a possible cause, either. Regardless, keep an optic out for anything that looks suspicious.:

"You got it Prime. Over and out." He continued on his way to Wheeljack's lab. Hearing a scream definitely qualified as suspicious…

He opened the door and shown his light inside, but he didn't see Wheeljack anywhere. He noticed what looked like a slime trail on the ground and kneeled down to observe it closer. It was… "Chili?" Was Wheeljack mopping the floors with chili now?

He looked around… Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, save for the chili trail on the floor and a few broken chemical bottles. If Wheeljack wasn't here, the next best possible choice was in the medbay with Ratchet.

Prowl made his way down to the medbay. He looked behind him a few times when he thought he heard something slithering close by, but saw nothing each time. Sure enough, Wheeljack was cowering atop a table in the medbay. "What's wrong with him, Ratchet?"

"I don't know, honestly. He came in here covered in chili and he keeps mumbling something about beans," Ratchet replied, wiping some of the chili off of Wheeljack with a rag.

"The beans… THE BEANS!! They're horrible!!" Wheeljack whimpered. "They ate the stool… THE ENTIRE STOOL!! I loved that stool!"

"Shh… It's okay, Wheeljack," Ratchet patted him. "Personally, I think it's the chemicals he tasted last week," he said to Prowl.

"Yeah, that'll likely do it," Prowl agreed. "I need to finish my patrol of the base. Let me know if you see anything suspicious."

"Will do, Prowl."

Prowl went back out into the hall. He heard something crash in the storeroom and went inside. "Um… What the hell?" he said as soon as he entered. There was nothing in the storeroom that should have been there…just a mirror and a sink. Feeling more than a little creeped out, he tried to leave but realized that the door was locked tight behind him. He looked back at the mirror.

The reflection looked strange. It showed tendrils of chili crawling across the floor and walls towards the sink and covering his reflection. He looked over towards the sink on his side when he heard a wet, cancerous sound arising from it and saw the chili from the reflection creeping out of the sink and crawling across the walls and floor. Pretty soon the walls, floor, and ceiling were covered in moving, living chili. His reflection stopped moving.

"That means run, dude!" the reflection called back to him.

Prowl ran screaming out of the newly unlocked door, shut it quickly, and leaned against it panting. Jazz stood outside, staring at him curiously. "What's wrong, Prowl?"

"THERE'S…THE CHILI…AND IT WAS…THERE WAS A MIRROR…AND…BLARG!!" Prowl replied in a panic.

"Okay dude, just calm down and slowly tell me what's wrong," Jazz said, reaching out and patting him comfortingly.

"THE STOREROOM IS POSSESSED!!"

"What? Possessed? Let me see…" Jazz pushed past Prowl.

"Wait!! Jazz, no, don't go in there!!"

Jazz looked around at all the boxes and the general mess and disorganization. "Looks like someone's been neglecting storeroom duty. But it's really nothing to freak out about, Prowl."

"But…there was…I'm sure…RRGGH!!"

"You know what Prowl, maybe the triple shifts are starting to make you go insane. Go lie down, I'll take over your patrol."

"But…!" Prowl protested.

"Come on Prowl, you'll feel much better if you get some recharge." Jazz pushed him down the hallway towards his room.

"But there was…!"

"No."

"I swear I saw…!"

"No, you didn't."

* * *

Prowl stared up at his ceiling. He was too scared to sleep, and he was a bit unhappy over never having finished his patrol. But maybe Jazz was right… Maybe the triple shifts were killing him. He rolled over onto his side and attempted to get some recharge. He was about to doze off when he heard something move along the wall. He quickly looked over and saw something smeared on the wall. He turned on his light to see what it was, and saw on the wall, written in chili:

"I know what you did last summer…"

"No, that's not possible!! Wait, what did I do last summer that was significant?" Prowl asked. He heard something moving and looked to the bottom of the door where something was slipping out underneath the very narrow crack.

Prowl stood up and slunk to his door. He entered the code to unlock it and opened it up. He noticed another message scribbled on the wall with chili across from the door:

"The deadline is dawn; Tick tock"

What does that mean? It likely meant that time was running out for him. What a spooky thought… He heard someone talking down the hall and slowly approached. He peeked out past the doorjamb and saw that it was just Sunstreaker and Sideswipe sitting in the dark, discussing the words in their Alphabits.

"Oh snap, Sunstreaker, look! My Alphabits say "Redrum!" Sideswipe pointed out.

"…mine says "gohrobcvbe". You don't suppose that's Italian?" Sunstreaker replied.

"Ooh, now mine says… Wow, it says, "Luke, I am your father"…" They both looked into Sideswipe's Alphabits at the encrypted message.

"That's just weird…"

"Have you two been sitting here this whole time?" Prowl asked.

They both looked up at him. "Yeah," Sideswipe replied. "Why?"

"Sides, you weren't by any chance writing things on the walls to scare me, were you?"

Sideswipe looked confused. "No… Why would I do that?"

Prowl had no choice but to believe him. He would have been snickering if he'd done it, and besides, how'd he get into his room? The door was definitely locked, he was sure of that. He'd had to unlock it to open it after all. But what was it that he saw creeping out from under his door? He shook his head and headed back down the hall to his room. Halfway there, he heard something following him and turned around to see…

…a being so horrible, so frighteningly grotesque that it could make Freddy Krueger cry, so very made of…chili…

Prowl stared at the chili monster. He suddenly had visions of the mirror… "Who are you?!" he asked the chili monster.

"I am Batman…" the chili monster replied. Prowl gave it a O.o look. "Who do you think I am?! I'm a frigging chili monster! Isn't it obvious what I am?!"

"How did you…where did you…"

"Where did I come from? Radiation from Wheeljack's invention brought me to life! Now you shall quiver in fear under my mighty…um…might!"

"I don't think so…" Prowl replied.

"What do you mean? How can you not be scared of me? I'm a monster made entirely out of chili! Isn't that scary?"

"No… You barely even come up to my shin!" Prowl pointed out.

"Well then are you scared of me… NOW?!" The chili monster pulled out a rocket launcher, just like the one Nemesis used in Resident Evil 3.

"Okay… That's a bit scary!" He turned around and ran down the hall as fast as his legs could carry him as the chili monster fired off a rocket. Ducking into a nearby room, Prowl avoided the shot. "Ha! Missed me!" he taunted.

The chili monster swore under his breath and followed Prowl into the room. Prowl had constructed a fort from an overturned table and a few chairs. He fired a few acid pellets into the monster's bean-filled body.

"Gah!! You will rue the day you messed with the chili monster, Autobot!" the chili monster threatened. He quickly pushed over a bookshelf and got behind it for protection, pulling the stem out of an apple and throwing it at Prowl. The apple landed inside his fort and exploded, showering him with applesauce.

"If that's how you want to play…" Prowl growled, wiping applesauce out of his optics. He pulled out a pair of ketchup and mustard bottles and sprayed the chili monster with condiments.

"GAH!! The ketchup is evil!" the chili monster shrieked. He threw pies at Prowl.

Prowl shook a can of Mountain Dew and threw it at him. The monster put peas in a chaingun and fired them upon him. Prowl catapulted mashed potatoes at the monster. The monster shot at him with a carrot ray.

"Where are we getting all this food from?!" the chili monster asked.

"I don't know! It doesn't make sense to me either!" Prowl shouted back.

Prowl slid down behind his table force field as a bowl of cereal flew threw the air. What was he going to do? He was running out of food, and he still needed to stop this monster somehow… He suddenly realized that someone had been sitting behind him the whole time and turned around to see Blaster sitting there. "Blaster?! What are you doing in here?"

"It's my room, dude… Maybe I should ask why you're here? And why you're trashing it?" Blaster demanded in return.

The chili monster felt something sniffing him. He looked behind him to see Steeljaw sniffing his head. "What the hell are you doing here? Go away! Shoo!" he swatted at Steeljaw.

Prowl and Blaster heard screaming and looked over the table to see Steeljaw eating the chili monster alive. They both slunk down and gave each other a very sickened, disturbed look.

* * *

"And that's it? Steeljaw just eats it? There's nothing left?" Smokescreen said as soon as Fallout was finished.

"Of course that's not it. Like every crappy horror film, Hollywood will eventually make an even more horrible sequel that isn't even closely related to the plot of the first one," Fallout replied.

"I didn't understand any of it…" Bumblebee added.

"That's okay. Neither did I," Fallout said.

"I fell out of the story!" Wheeljack complained.

"That's because the chili monster went back and ate you when Prowl left the medbay," Fallout said in a mock-reassuring tone. Wheeljack's optics went wide with shock.

"Okay, now that that story's done, it's time for me to tell a story!" Jazz called over the crowd. Everyone shifted their position so that they were facing Jazz.

**Next Story: "The Carnival of Souls"**


End file.
